Why Can't I Stop Overthinking?
Most people overthink from time to time. Before making an important decision, after an awkward conversation or when something unexpected happens, it's natural for our minds to try to make sense of events.
The problem is that sometimes this process doesn't switch off.
Instead of helping us solve a problem, our thoughts begin to circle endlessly around the same questions.
"Did I say the wrong thing?"
"What if I've made a mistake?"
"Why can't I stop thinking about this?"
The harder we try to find certainty, the more uncertain we often become.
Why does overthinking happen?
Many people believe they overthink because they're weak or because there's something wrong with them. In reality, overthinking is often the mind's attempt to protect us.
Our brains are designed to anticipate danger. Thousands of years ago this helped our ancestors survive by spotting threats before they happened. Today those threats are less likely to be wild animals and more likely to be social rejection, failure, conflict or uncertainty. For some people the brain becomes so focused on avoiding mistakes that it begins analysing everything.
Unfortunately, thinking more doesn't always lead to better answers rather it creates more questions and feedback loops.
The search for certainty
One of the biggest traps in overthinking is believing that if we think about something long enough, we'll eventually reach complete certainty. But, life rarely works that way because relationships are uncertain, as is our physical health, parenting is fraught with uncertainty from one minute to the next and year by year. One of the main areas people often discuss in therapy is their work and how they never know where they stand with bosses and colleagues and this leads to overthinking via the search for certainty.
Trying to eliminate uncertainty completely usually makes anxiety grow rather than disappear. Learning to tolerate a degree of uncertainty is often a more helpful goal than trying to eliminate every doubt.
Breaking the cycle
People often try to stop overthinking by forcing themselves not to think. Unfortunately, this usually has the opposite effect. Instead, it can be more helpful to become curious about the thoughts rather than fighting them.
Questions such as:
"What has triggered this?"
"What emotion might I be trying to avoid?"
"Have I been here before?"
can be much more useful than endlessly asking whether the thought itself is true. Therapy isn't about teaching people to think positively. It's about understanding why the mind has become caught in a particular pattern and helping people develop a different relationship with their thoughts.
When Overthinking Becomes Intrusive Thoughts
Many people who experience intrusive thoughts worry that they're "going crazy" or that the thoughts say something terrible about who they are. In reality, intrusive thoughts are surprisingly common.
An intrusive thought is an unwanted idea, image or impulse that suddenly enters the mind. It may involve harm coming to someone you love. It might involve shouting something inappropriate in a quiet room.
It could be an upsetting sexual, violent or blasphemous image that feels completely at odds with your values.
The thought often arrives without warning and feels shocking because it doesn't fit with the kind of person you believe yourself to be.
Why do they feel so frightening?
Most people have odd or disturbing thoughts occasionally. The difference is that some people immediately dismiss them, while others become frightened by the fact that they had the thought at all.
They begin asking themselves:
"Why would I think that?"
"Does this mean I secretly want it?"
"What if I lose control?"
The more importance we attach to the thought, the more often the brain notices it. This creates a cycle where the thoughts become more frequent, not because they're true, but because the mind has learned that they feel significant.
Thoughts are not intentions
One of the most important things to understand is that thoughts are not actions. Having an unwanted thought does not mean you agree with it, want it or are likely to act on it. In fact, the distress people feel usually reflects the opposite.
Someone who is horrified by an intrusive thought is often distressed because it conflicts so strongly with their values and character.
How therapy can help
If you recognise yourself in what you've read, you're not alone. Overthinking and intrusive thoughts can feel exhausting, but they are experiences that many people struggle with. Therapy offers a safe, confidential space to understand what's happening and to develop a different relationship with your thoughts. If you'd like to explore this further, I'd be happy to hear from you. I offer both in-person therapy in Edenderry and online therapy throughout Ireland.